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IDIOT'S GUIDE TO USENET POSTING
(c)1996 DoWhateverTheHellYouWantToDoWithThis Industries
This file was created to be both helpful to NEWBIES and give a chuckle to experienced Usenet Users who can relate to most of the stuff written within. Please note, however, that even though I am making no claims to be an expert at anything I think we will all agree that any idiot should be able to figure out that they are screwing up certain
Usenet groups for the rest of us and for those who can't I have written this.
REQUESTS...............The First Damn Thing Below
POSTING......Comes After The First Damn Thing Below
DEFINITIONS............The Last Damn Thing Below
Though I, and most people, have nothing against requests made by the majority of users there are some users who make idiotic redundant requests which serve no one but themselves. Below are a few definitions for the categories of requests you can find on certain
Usenet groups as well as some helpful hints on how these people can
1. THE SEED PLANTER (AKA: Farmer Brown)
This is the person who is under the mistaken impression that if he or
she uploads 10 disks of an 11 disk file that the 11th disk will
somehow magically grow. Their posts often look like this:
Here's IndyCar2 disks 1-5, 7-9 & 13 I need disks 6, 10, 11 & 12
Really? WELL, SO WILL ANY OTHER YAHOO WHO DOWNLOADS YOUR POST!!!!
Why is this a bad thing? Many reasons:
1. 1/3 of the entire file is missing. Which means it is worthless and
just taking up space on the server and on the hard drives of anyone
foolish enough to download a file which is not complete.
2. Because the 9 disks you uploaded may be the same 9 that everyone
else already has. In-other-words there are no promises you will be
getting your disks 6, 10, 11 & 12. This is because the person who
has all the disks doesn't want to mess with uploading those 4 disks
when he already has them all and your post means nothing to them.
Often to get a request filled you need to offer something that the
other person doesn't have and the chances that they only had disks
6, 10, 11 & 12 and were just waiting for you to upload the others
is a bit optimistic even for you. This is like TAG TEAM posting.
You upload some of the files and hope someone else will upload the
rest before the server deletes the ones you uploaded. Just stop
3. With the advent of CD RIPPS the chances that the disks you get
might not be compatible. You might have uploaded the disk version
while Joe Blow sends disks 6, 10, 11 & 12 of the CD RIPP and when
you go to UNARJ the files you get an error just after disk #5 has
uncompressed. This is because THE FILE START/STOP POINTS DO NOT
Just stop doing this! You are wasting server space and though you
don't think that is important most servers wait until a certain
amount of space is being used by their usegroups and then they
delete the headers and files.
If you need 1/3 of the disks to make a file work then request them
all. This way the rest of us will be able to get the complete file
and you can just download the disks you need. If you only need 1 or
2 disks then just request those disks and don't upload yours.
HOWEVER, if you need 3 or more then ask for them all. Why? Because
someone will download the two you requested and then begin
requesting the ones he didn't get because you only asked for 3 out
of 8 disks. Of course he will want the other 5.
TO ALL MORONS:
If you just see 2 disks being sent to a person who requested them do
not download them unless it will also complete your disk set. If
you are gonna try to build a 13 disk file by downloading the 2
disks that were requested and then requesting the other 11 then you
deserve to be flamed.
2. THE SNEAK (AKA: Crap Sender)
This is the person who places a request for a really cool and
awesomely huge file in a posting for a file that no one wants and
no one ever asked for. Note that they do this like they have done
such a huge favor to the rest of us. Here is an example:
ATTN: Here is Zork 1, please send MS OFFICE PRO 95 CD RIP!
If you are gonna do this you might as well say "Here is some
worthless piece of crap that nobody wanted but it was really quick
to upload so now that you think I am contributing please send me a
$600.00 program that is about 60MB compressed and might take you 10
hours to upload". There are several things wrong with this:
1. Most important: EVERYBODY IGNORES YOU!!!! So just stop doing it
because you are just making people mad and then they will
intentionally ignore all your other requests.
2. You are just giving yourself a bad name and soon will be forced to
change your handle.
Just make a request and haggle for a trade if you have to but stop
uploading the old, stale crap that no one wants.
If that crappy file is the best you have then don't request anything.
Just pray someone will upload the file you want because people
generally only upload files to fill requests for people who filled
their requests and you can just luck out and get the file you may
3. THE SELFISH PROMISER (AKA: FTP Idiot)
This is the person who was good enough to get into the news group to
request a cool file but would rather you send it to their FTP
address which is usually filled with nothing but blank space. Or
sometimes they will ask you to send the file to the newsgroup which
means everyone now can download it (a better way to do it) with the
promise that you can call their fabulous FTP site which (sorry) is
either under construction or their server keeps failing. Be warned
that you have no reason to trust anyone and flaming them after you
were an idiot is a waste of time.
Make normal requests. Soon people will stop believing you have a cool
FTP site, especially after you post a file list that has nothing
but shareware on it.
Ignore these requests until they can come to grips with their own
Posting is a very sore subject with a lot of people. Not that they don't do it but because too many people just do not do it correctly and then everyone bitches about what went wrong. Below are some helpful hints to allow you to post better.
1. LEARN YOUR SOFTWARE
This means, before you post anything, make sure you know how to do it
on YOUR END!!! If something appears screwed on the server after you
have posted then believe without a doubt that you are a MORON.
Everything has to be correct on your end. This means that you might
have to actually READ the help file when you get to the POSTING
feature of your software. Those 2000 postings of 100 line files
with your handle attached didn't happen because the server doesn't
like you. It happened because you are a MORON.
2. NO EXCUSES
Don't you just hate it when people say "This is my first time" and
then they proceed to send a file in 2000 parts. And you had your
hopes up when you saw there were over 2000 new headers in your
favorite news group. If you are that big of a MORON then just go
practice in a PRACTICE group. Stay out of the real areas until you
are not a MORON.
And don't you just hate it when you see someone get halfway through
an upload and it craps out and then they start with a ("2ND
TRY!!!") or a ("SORRY! SERVER TIMED OUT!"). I have a brilliant
idea...DELETE THE FIRST WORTHLESS POST!!!! If your server timed out
(which happens from time to time) you can still delete any message
sent to a newsgroup by you!!! Duh! Did you know that? Don't you
hate to see a file you always wanted end at the halfway point and
then a "2nd try!" showing up (but not quite there). Just delete the
first attempt and try again already.
3. 15000 LINES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you cannot learn how to post a file in 15000 lines then do not
post. Of course, there are some exceptions to this.
The best exception is if the file is not big enough to be in 15000
line sections. HOWEVER, you can still keep your software set to
send it at 15000 lines and everything will work fine.
Another exception is if you can do it in less lines and still only
divide a disk file into 3 parts. That is THREE!!! parts. Folks,
this is vital! Why? Because the less parts there are the better
your server has to find all the headers when getting the headers
from the USENET service. None of these headers are sitting on your
server (the place you joined and pay money to in order to have
internet access). They are all part of the Usenet service like
Clarinet, etc. When you GET ALL HEADERS in a particular group the
server probes the usenet service and gets the headers. Line noise
as well as how many other people are poking into the same area
sometimes stir the pot and some headers are skipped. Therefore, the
least amount of PARTS your files are divided into the better the
chance that ALL parts will show up in the header search. A 1.44 MB
disk can be cut into 3 parts by selecting any line size over 10,000
but JUST SET YOUR LINES TO 15,000!!! Also note that this is FIFTEEN
THOUSAND LINES! Some people post in 1500 line parts because they
forgot a ZERO (0). This will cut a 1.44 MB disk into about 27
parts!!!! NOTHING (and I mean NOTHING!!!) is worth that kind of
effort to retrieve.
Posting something in 100 to 900 line sections just so you can take up
a lot of visual space to get a REQUEST seen does not work. We are
ignoring you so STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Folks, these ("Kill all Nigger, Faggits and Jews") and other white
trash slogans are being posted by facely children who are just
trying to upset normal people. DO NOT respond to them and they will
go away. You have nothing to prove. We all know that we love our
fellow man and that racism and prejudisms are soon becoming part of
the past but there are a group of teens who have nothing better to
do thatn cross post to hundreds of news groups and then go away
without so much as a care. IGNORE THEM!
ATTN: Attention! Usually followed by the sound of blowing wind. This
ain't the army. Ignore all messages that start ATTN:.
REQ: Request. Give the poor guy a break and fill his request unless
his name appears 2 times in one week and then he is just a leech so
RE: Response. This is an answer to a specific post. Reading these can
get confusing since they seems to go on and on forever and often
change subjects somewhere along the way.
EXPERT Anyone who calls themself an expert usually isn't. This
generally means that they know more than the rest of their teenage
buddies which amount to jack shit.
FLAME To insult with malice. This is what you do to people who are
MORONS when they simply refuse to just do things the way they
should be done.
MORON A person who thinks they can slip something past the rest of us
by acting like they are ignorant of the rules. I mean if everyone
else is posting in 15,000 lines then how stupid do you have to be
to post a file divided into 900 line parts? Get with the program.
Why intentionally fuck with people when we are all just after the
same things. I wish everyone had every file that passed a news
group. This way we could forget about the requests and move along
with the current files and stop reliving the same idiot posts over
ASSHOLE An asshole is simply a person who complains about everything
with no true realization as to why things appear the way they do. A
Good example of this are people who wonder why posts aren't
complete. These people often say that the server is deleting their
file supply. Before you become an asshole try this little trick:
1. Purge all the headers in a group off your client.
2. Use the GET ALL HEADERS option to search the newsgroup for all
3. Wait an hour or so and repeat step #2 for the same group but DO
NOT purge the group.
You should notice that the headers from the first search have changed
colors (black is default). Any new headers will be the UNREAD color
(red is default). Look through and see where the newest headers
appear. Do they all appear at the end? NO!!! Their appearance
corresponds with their dates in the list. This shows you that your
server simply overlooked the headers in the last search. How could
a file that was posted 4 days ago be showing as a new file? The
header was missed. That is all.
Servers do not selectively delete headers to make files incomplete.
They only delete headers and files in large gulps all at once. Only
the person who posted the file can delete the header.
That is about it for now. Keep it clean and follow the rules and you
will have no problems and get what you are looking for.
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